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Joke of the day
Joke Of The Day:
These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations... "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity" "I would not allow this employee to breed" "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be" "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap" "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet" "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle" "This young lady has delusions of adequacy" "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them" "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot" "This employee should go far, and the sooner the better" "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together" "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus" "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless" "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier" "I would like to go hunting with him sometime" "He's been working with glue too much" "He would argue with a signpost" "He has knack for making strangers immediately" "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room" "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell" "If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one" "A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens" "A prime candidate for natural deselection" "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it" "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming" "Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it" "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week" "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change" "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean" "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm" "One neuron short of a synapse" "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled" "Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes" "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead" |
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I love these :D :D :D :D :D:
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle" "This young lady has delusions of adequacy" "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them" |
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how about these
It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a (P); and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. ;P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one for last ........... P: Noise coming from under instrument panel Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget |
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Agriv8r...Awesome!!!
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X2 - LOL :D |
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:D :D :D |
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July 15, Sat.
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:D :D :D
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July 16:
Joke Of The Day: Selling Life Insurance... Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?" |
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Now that's funny!!!
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I got a kick out of most of these. Great:D
S. |
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LOL!! :D :D |
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July 17
Appraisal Sheet... This form indicates employee performance in the position they currently hold. Knowledge [ ] The son of a bitch really knows his stuff [ ] Knows just enough to be dangerous [ ] Only half a brain and is dangerous [ ] ****ing brain damaged, his coffee cup has a higher IQ Accuracy [ ] Does excellent work if not preoccupied with pussy [ ] Pretty good, only occasionally blows it out his ass [ ] Has to take off his shoes to count to ten [ ] Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice Attitude [ ] Extremely cooperative if you kiss his ass frequently [ ] Brown nose in good standing [ ] Often pisses off co-workers, thinks it's his shop [ ] Doesn't give a ****, never did and never will Reliability [ ] A really dependable little cocksucker [ ] You can rely on him at evaluation time [ ] Can rely on him to be the first one out the ****ing door [ ] Totally ****ing useless/worthless Appearance [ ] Extremely neat, even combs his pubic hair [ ] Looks great at evaluation time [ ] Flies abandon fresh dog **** to follow him around [ ] Dirty, filthy, dirty son of a bitch Performance [ ] Works like a son of a bitch, if there's money in it for him [ ] Does all kinds of good **** at evaluation time [ ] Works only if kicked in the ass every 2 minutes [ ] Couldn't do less work if he were in a ****ing coma |
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A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her
vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears... |
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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. Impossible!" says the doctor "Show me." The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you? Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken." now thats funny:D |
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BWAHAHA!! :D :D
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Breakdown of the corporate structure...
CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD: Leaps tall building in a single bound Is more powerful than a locomotive Is faster than a speeding bullet Walks on water Discusses policy with God PRESIDENT: Leaps short buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a switch engine Is just as fast as a speeding bullet Walks on water if the sea is calm Talks with God EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT: Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine Is faster than a speeding BB. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool Talks with God if special request is approved VICE PRESIDENT: Barely clears a Quonset hut Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive Can fire a speeding bullet Swims well Is occasionally addressed by God GENERAL MANAGER: Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings Is run over by locomotive Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury Dog paddles Talks to animals MANAGER: Runs into buildings Recognizes locomotive two out of three times Is not issued ammunition Can't stay afloat with a life preserver Talks to walls TRAINEE: Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building Says "look at the choo-choo" Wets him/herself with a water pistol Plays in mud puddles Mumbles to him/herself SECRETARY: Lifts buildings and walks under them Kicks locomotives off the tracks Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth Freezes water with a single glance Is God |
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Paragon, you'll have to meet Agrv8r while you're here. |
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I gave this one to my assistant. She thought it was so funny, thought she was gonna give me a BJ under the desk:eek: |
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Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:
George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years" Herman: "Hmm. I drowned a man in his hot tub, and I'm here for 3 days" George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you drowned a man and get 3 days???" Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer." |
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not sure that sounds right?? hahaha |
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A senior citizen in Florida went down to the local Chevrolet dealer and bought a brand new Corvette convertible. Heading off the car lot and down the road, he floored it and enjoyed the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man as he stood on the gas peddle -- 80, 120, 150, 170 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing.." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. ! "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. "If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," |
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(pay close
attention to details!!) So,... Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing. You're okay with it because you get to watch sports all night. You hear her stumble into bed around 4am. You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo she drove last night. You are happy to see it all in one piece. * But......... Wait a minute ............. |
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here it comes, dont be in a hurry it is worth the wait;)
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You think..."Damn, my wife needs to loose some weight.":p |
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;) thats not what I am thinking, seems like alot of strangely positioned hands here;)
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Marooned...
An ambitious investment banker finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. ...at least for awhile. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did." He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?" "Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?" When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines (strategically positioned) and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied, "--I can check my voice mail from here?" |
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HIS NAME WAS ONESTONE.
This was his Indian name given to him because he had only one testicle. After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest and there he made love to her all day, he made love to her all night, he made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant business. Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after many years away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! What is the moral of the story? You'll love this!!!! ;> ) You can't kill two Birds with Onestone. |
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How's Your Job?
You could only find jokes more cheesy than these if you worked at a cheese factory... Q. How's your job at the clock company? A. Only time will tell. Q. How's your job at the banana company? A. I keep slipping up. Q. How's your job on the new highway? A. I'm so busy I don't know which way to turn. Q. How's your job at the travel agency? A. I'm going nowhere. Q. How's your job at the swivel chair company? A. It makes my head spin! Q. How's your job at the lemon juice company? A. I've had bitter jobs. Q. How's your job at the pie company? A. It didn't pan out. Q. How's your job at the balloon factory? A. We can't keep up with inflation. Q. How's your job at the crystal ball company? A. I'm making a fortune. Q. How's your job at the history book company? A. There's no future in it. Q. How's your job at the clock company? A. I'm having second thoughts about it. Q. How's your job on the farm? A. Problems keep cropping up. Q. How's your job at the sewing shop? A. Hanging on by a thread. Q. How's your job at the eye glasses clinic? A. I have clear job objectives. |
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:D :D |
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AWWWWW:rolleyes: :rolleyes: ;) |
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A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her
car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.She climbed up behind him on the horse and then rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles." |
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Either that joke is a repost or I just experienced deja vu.:D |
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You used to be a women from New York? :confused: :D |
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I walked right into that didn't I?:D |
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