Random NWS jokes

[Adam in CO]

Jimmy had been hearing loud bumping noises coming from his parent?s room for the last 3 or 4 nights. The next night, the noises started again, so he goes to investigate. Quietly opening his parent?s bedroom door, he see's his mother bouncing up and down on his father. Quietly, he slips back to bed. The next morning, Jimmy asks his mom why she was bouncing up and down on dad?s stomach.

Mom thinks for a minute, then tells Jimmy, "It's part of a new diet plan to help dad lose weight."

Jimmy then replies, "I don't think it will work mom". Mom asks Jimmy, "why not!"

"Because every morning when you leave for work, Mrs. Jones from next door comes over and blows daddy back up!"
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The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G-string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"

She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?"
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There once was this unsatisfied housewife. She was unsatisfied with her husband's dick cumming so fast, so she went to a herbal store. The store was a voodoo store, she told the store keeper what was wrong. The store keeper gave her a wooden dick, it was called voodoo dick.

The man told her, "In order to use this you must command it by saying Voo Doo Dick my pussy".

She says OK. She goes home and says voodoo dick my pussy, the ****in' dick goes ape **** and tears through her underwear, she immediately cums over and over again. After a couple of hours her pussy started bleeding, she can't stop it.
Then she screamed "Voodoo Dick stop."

It doesn't stop. So she's going back to the store for help. She's driving along like a ****ing retard because of voodoo dick.

A cop pulls her over and says "Are you ****in handicapped, do you know how to drive?"

She replies "No, its voodoo dick!"

The cop replies, "Voo Doo Dick My ASS!"

The housewife drives away and says "Thank you?!

[KenP]

That last one is hilarious!!!!

Three guys were sitting around disscussing pain. The first says the most pain I ever endured is when I fell off a ladder while painting the house and ended up breaking my arm. The second guy says I can see where that would smart a little bit, but thats nothing compared to me. I was out mountain climbing, fell off a clif and broke my leg. The two of them look at the third guy and say, well, what about you? The third guy scratches his chin in deep thought and finaly says, I guess the second most pain I ever endured is when I was out deer hunting, I had to take a dump, ended up ****ting on a bear trap and it clamped right on my nuts. The other two gasped and said my god, that was the second most pain, what was the first? The third guy replies "when I reached the end of the chain"

[GLBLWARMR]

The last one was the funniest but Ken's is pretty damn close to beating it.