Breaking news

[Adam in CO]

Breaking news!!! Chilled Vancouver commuters faced their second day of winter hell today, as an additional 1/8 centimetre of the peculiar white stuff fell, bringing the Lower Mainland to its knees and causing millions of dollars worth of damage to the marijuana crops. Scientists suspect that the substance is some form of frozen water particles, and experts from Saskatchewan are being flown in. With temperatures dipping to the almost but not quite near zero degree Celsius mark, Vancouverites were warned to double-insulate their toques before venturing out.
Vancouver police warned that except for emergencies, such as running out of latte or biscotti, people stay inside if at all possible to ride out Vancouver's most terrible storm to date. The local Canadian Tire reported that they had completely sold out of fur-lined sandals. Drivers were cautioned to put their convertible tops up, and several have been shocked to learn that their SUV's actually have four wheel drive, although most have no idea how to use it. Weary commuters faced soggy sushi, and the threat of frozen breast implants. Although Dr. John Blatherwick of the Coastal Health Authority reassured everyone that most breast implants were perfectly safe to 25 below, down-filled bras are flying off the shelves at Mountain Equipment Co-op. "The government has to do something," snarled an angry DennisAJC. "I didn't pay $500,000 for my one-bedroom condo so I could sit around and be treated like someone from Toronto." ***********