Top 30 facts about KenP

[CO Hummer]

1: Onions do not make KenP cry. KenP makes onions **** themselves.
2: There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures KenP allows to live.
3: If you rearrange the letters in KenP it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."
4: KenP once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
5: When KenP goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
6: In an average living room there are 1,242 objects KenP could use to kill you, including the room itself.
7: When KenP was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's KenP!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
8: When KenP drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.
9: KenP can slam a revolving door.
10: The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from KenP and forgot to pay him back.
11: KenP played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
12: KenP is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
13: KenP can divide by zero.
14: KenP has two speeds: walk and kill.
15: The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when KenP punched himself in the face.
16: Darkness is not the absence of light. It is the presence of KenP.
17: In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by KenP, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
18: You are what you eat. That is why KenP's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
19: KenP is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
20: Crop circles are KenP's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.
21: KenP has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULL****!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and KenP ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.
22: KenP can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
23: When KenP jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets KenP instead.
24: It takes 14 puppeteers to make KenP smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
25: KenP once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.
26: KenP is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's ****.
27: When KenP does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
28: KenP invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
29: On his birthday, KenP randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
30: If you were to lock KenP in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this KenP replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.