The Best of CL

[bparker]

I stumbled across this link on CL and quite frankly have wasted WAY too much time reading some of these bat-$hit crazy postings.

Wifey and I have been rolling on the floor at some of these....

Wanted to pass it along if you werent aware of the best of CL

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/all/

[bparker]

ROFL

To the Woman who maced me - m4w

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Date: 2007-11-10, 8:43PM CST


I saw you jogging around the lake and followed you to Dunn brothers. I was trying to work up my courage to get out of my van and go into Dunn brothers but you were only inside for 30 minutes. As you left the coffee shop I followed you slowly as you walked up the block. I think you got nervous when I hit the garbage cans that some jerk left on the boulevard! I guess I did hop the curb, but still, they were pretty close to the street. Anyways, I watched you start to run and I wanted to explain what happened, you started screaming for help as I tackled you, whats with the screaming anyways? And why do women always scream when I try to talk at them? Anyways, thats when I got a face full of mace...that was three days ago, and I was just released from the jail. I was hoping you could meet me and possibly drop the charges.

[bparker]

OMG!

To the Drunk Hottie who fell off my motorcycle

________________________________________________

Date: 2007-11-07, 5:23AM PST


I met you at the bar last night, and we hit it off. Ya we were both a little buzzed, but you seemed as into me as I was into you. Things got to things, we made out a bit, and you ended up going home with me on the back of my motorcycle, which was awesome because that doesn't usually happen to me. I luckily had the extra helmet with me and let you wear my bike jacket while suffering the cold on the way home. I was feeling pretty happy and lucky to say the least.

This is where things got crazy.

I don't know if you slipped, or thought I was taking you home to kill you, or if your're just plain crazy and had a change of heart, but all of a sudden you let go of me MID-TURN and went flying into the bushes at about 10-15mph near the park by my house. I was so freaked out!!! when I looked back to see you fumbling in the bushes I could only PRAY TO GOD that you didn't hit the asphalt or something worse.

I really thought you must have been hurt at least a bit, but as I turned around to come check on you, you took off into the unlit park running full speed with my helmet and jacket still on! I parked my bike and looked for you for over 2 hours calling your name until I was so cold I had to go home or risk freezing to death.

WTF

Im sorry for what happened and I really hope your're ok, really I do, but seriously WTF. Running into a forested park in the middle of the night like that....I really can't begin to guess what you were thinking, and you weren't that drunk, but i suppose my "crazy-bitch o' meter" wasn't working at the bar that night, and from the speed you took off I can only surmise that your're not that hurt. I would like my expensive bike gear back though, I hope it kept you warm during your psychotic episode, but it IS mine and I kinda need it to get around in the winter. If you could return it to the bar for me, check in with your shrink, and promise to never come near me again that would be great, cause you scared the #*$% outta me and are costing me alot of money.

Sincerely,
Very cold/poor motorcycle rider who will never let women near his bike again.

[bparker]

wanted pre 1965 paper money for time travel

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Date: 2007-11-05, 3:36PM PST


i have come into the possession of my great grandfathers life work, among being a decorated aeronautical engineer it would appear he dabbled in the lesser accepted sciences. i have almost finished building his masterpiece a 1952 nash rambler time machine. unfortunately my grandfather didn't live long enough to find an energy source with high enough density to fuel his machine, but i believe i have the problem solved.

serious offers only, i would like to exchange paper money for paper money printed before 1965 (for OBVIOUS reasons!). i will pay 5% of the total currency exchanged, unfortunately i cannot offer transfers of coinage as i am already pushing the weight limit as it is!

please no solicitations on changing the future as any changing would only happen in an alternate future reality and be a waste of yours and my time.

back to the workshop!

[bparker]

RANT: Why I Hate Port a Potties

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Date: 2007-10-27, 1:44PM CDT


I have been working for Habitat for Humanity doing construction for the past 10 months, and while I love my job, by far the worst part is dealing with port a potties.

Yesterday, I was at the worksite and I just couldn't hold it in any longer. I went into our port-a-potty and sat down to poo. For anyone who has used port-a-potties a lot, you know that one of the terrible side effects, aside from the general grossness of port a potties, is the feeling of blue chemically laced pee/poo sludge water from previous users splashing back in/on your butt as you drop one from about three feet up.

To deal with this, I have come up with a variety of techniques, including my favorite, placing a little toilet paper raft into the poo hole to catch your poo and drop it gently into the vat of ****, however this isn't always possible when the **** vat has not yet changed phase from liquid --> solid sludge. I also try to shape my poo into longer logs in order to lessen the drop and reduce impact upon point of contact with liquid.

So there I was, trying to wiggle my butt into a long log of poop, when it broke off in the middle and *splash*, there goes the most vile filth splashing everywhere on my ass. It is times like this recently when I pause, sigh, and ask God why he does these things when I am trying to do good things for the world and be a good person.

I reach over to the toilet paper roll to wipe off this nastiness as best as I can, and as I do so, pause, sigh, and ask God why he does these things as I notice that there is no toilet paper in the port a potty.

After weighing my options for a few seconds, I realize I'm just going to have to zip up and deal. As I'm pulling up my pants, feeling this gross sludge drip down my leg, and having an existentialist moment questioning life, I walk ten feet over to our government van to see if there is any sort of paper product I can use to wipe up without my coworkers noticing.

I spend about five minutes looking around, and the most absorbent thing I have found up to this point is a bunch of crayola crayon wrappers, which I am seriously considering stripping off the crayons and using. However, a few moments later I spot out of the corner of my eye a cottonny-looking thing. It is a maxi pad.

"No, I can't do this," I think to myself. "This is beyond ridiculous." But ridiculous times cause for ridiculous deeds, and I think What Would MacGuyver Do as I grab the pad and go back to the port a potty. After wiping myself off, I look at this blue water stained, poo stained, pee stained maxi pad and think, "What on earth am I going to do with this thing?" I think back to high school chemistry class and buoyancy vs. density. Will this maxi pad float above the ****-water and mock me, being visible to everyone else who uses the port a potty for the rest of the week? Or will it sink mercifully to the bottom, hiding all evidence of my grossness? It is a tough and thoughtful decision, but eventually I guess that the pad will sink, and boy am I happy when I am right!

This temporary joy is fleeting, though, as I realize how pathetic I have become at being happy that my ****-stained maxi pad is sinking to my cheers and fist-pumping adulation - that is why I HATE port a potties.

[bparker]

NWS - http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/457057427.html

[CO Hummer]

Originally Posted by bparker

I don't know if you slipped, or thought I was taking you home to kill you, or if your're just plain crazy and had a change of heart, but all of a sudden you let go of me MID-TURN and went flying into the bushes at about 10-15mph near the park by my house.

Hahaha! I'm not entirely sure why I find this so funny.

[bparker]

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/alb/452732709.html
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/alb/452732709.html
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/alb/452732709.html

[bparker]

wow, I cant believe so few found these as amusing as we did..