Joke

[Orbital H2]

Just recieved this via email and thought I would cliutter the discussion forum with it. At least I might beable to offend someone some where. maybe a snively marine or some jeep driver or some tree hugger, please let me know that I offended you because it will make my day.

True Story

I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a '70 Mustang,and her name is Bessie.
Bessie is the stereo-typical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires. I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over-aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.

Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot."

I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "Jerk" at me again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her. "Do you have a problem?" I ask.

"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"

"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?"

"You were speeding. I watched you."

"You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator)

"I heard you."

"So, you measured my speed by ear?" (Ed. note: The Doppler Effect could be applicable here)

"I can hear."

"How fast did you HEAR me going?"

"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down."

THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding.

"What happened?" he asks.

I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision.

"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.

She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I give the paperwork to the cop. She tries to find another thing to screw me with.

She says, "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal."

I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn.
"These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429," I told the cop, "Which makes them street legal as a replacement."

Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this jerk?"

The cop says, "No, I am not."

I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense."

"What?" The cop looks confused.

"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (my new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense."

The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."

"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street."

The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses. She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge! Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me.

[Orbital H2]

Just recieved this via email and thought I would cliutter the discussion forum with it. At least I might beable to offend someone some where. maybe a snively marine or some jeep driver or some tree hugger, please let me know that I offended you because it will make my day.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content"> True Story

I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a '70 Mustang,and her name is Bessie.
Bessie is the stereo-typical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires. I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over-aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.

Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot."

I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "Jerk" at me again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her. "Do you have a problem?" I ask.

"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"

"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?"

"You were speeding. I watched you."

"You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator)

"I heard you."

"So, you measured my speed by ear?" (Ed. note: The Doppler Effect could be applicable here)

"I can hear."

"How fast did you HEAR me going?"

"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down."

THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding.

"What happened?" he asks.

I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision.

"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.

She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I give the paperwork to the cop. She tries to find another thing to screw me with.

She says, "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal."

I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn.
"These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429," I told the cop, "Which makes them street legal as a replacement."

Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this jerk?"

The cop says, "No, I am not."

I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense."

"What?" The cop looks confused.

"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (my new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense."

The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."

"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street."

The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses. She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge! Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

[Orbital H2]

Still Trying
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content"> Pet Alligator

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal.
I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
</div></BLOCKQUOTE>

[HummerNewbie]

There have been many times I would have loved to do something like the first story

[rodster]

Orbital H2 -- I hate to have to be the guy to tell you the ugly truth but since no one else will, I will.

You totally suck at being offensive! Even my 67 year old mom has raunchier jokes than you do! (And no, you can't have her phone number.)

I suggest you stick to rum and pirated maidens.

[Orbital H2]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by rodster:
Orbital H2 -- I hate to have to be the guy to tell you the ugly truth but since no one else will, I will.

You totally suck at being offensive! Even my 67 year old mom has raunchier jokes than you do! (And no, you can't have her phone number.)

I suggest you stick to rum and pirated maidens. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

I know, I am trying, I spent too many years at trying to spin thing the other way adn it take a bit to do the untraining. but thanks for the insight.

[DRTYFN]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Orbital H2:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by rodster:
Orbital H2 -- I hate to have to be the guy to tell you the ugly truth but since no one else will, I will.

You totally suck at being offensive! Even my 67 year old mom has raunchier jokes than you do! (And no, you can't have her phone number.)

I suggest you stick to rum and pirated maidens. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

I know, I am trying, I spent too many years at trying to spin thing the other way adn it take a bit to do the untraining. but thanks for the insight. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Bet you voted for Kerry.

[Orbital H2]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by DRTYFN:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Orbital H2:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by rodster:
Orbital H2 -- I hate to have to be the guy to tell you the ugly truth but since no one else will, I will.

You totally suck at being offensive! Even my 67 year old mom has raunchier jokes than you do! (And no, you can't have her phone number.)

I suggest you stick to rum and pirated maidens. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

I know, I am trying, I spent too many years at trying to spin thing the other way adn it take a bit to do the untraining. but thanks for the insight. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Bet you voted for Kerry. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Fu(k you, you low life cock$ucking piece of $hit!!! how did that feel when you were in the womb and had Hitlers dick pounding on your head. Hell I'll even bet that you got something going on with Hillary.
Drty, you make any reference to me being a liberal in any way shape or form and I will head up norht and hunt you down....

[rodster]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Orbital H2:

Fu(k you, you low life cock$ucking piece of $hit!!! how did that feel when you were in the womb and had Hitlers dick pounding on your head. Hell I'll even bet that you got something going on with Hillary.
</div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Whoa. Looks like your untraining was successful!

[Orbital H2]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by rodster:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Orbital H2:

Fu(k you, you low life cock$ucking piece of $hit!!! how did that feel when you were in the womb and had Hitlers dick pounding on your head. Hell I'll even bet that you got something going on with Hillary.
</div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Whoa. Looks like your untraining was successful! </div></BLOCKQUOTE>
Call me a liberal and all hell breaks loose

[Dug]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by rodster:


Whoa. Looks like your untraining was successful! </div></BLOCKQUOTE>



LMFAO!!

[rodster]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Dug3x3:
LMFAO!! </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

X2!