A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong!
Dear Diary:
For my fifty-fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my High School football team 38
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth
it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She
was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse
after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so
fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics
outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class
after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me
on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my
wife will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a
vasectomy!
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08-13-2006, 04:50 AM
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