Chuck Norris is a Pussy

[Ted Kennedy]

Look, I don't want to sound brash, but Mr. Charlie Norris and I were at the same prep school and then we went off to Ninja School together in Idaho. We were a team. We were equals. We were Kick-Boxing-Ninja-B!tches! Sure, he won the World Karate Championships in the late '70s, and I never achieved such fame as a martial arts guy, but I never once, never, never, lost to him during any of our private Sumo wrestling matches. Beat him every time. And then sat on his face. I am the Sumo Master!!! Charlie may have the Karate championships and the fame from his gun-slingin' Texas TV show, but I Sumo slammed his skinny butt home every time I half-tried. Then, I made him drink cheap blended Scotch.