Joke of the day

[KenP]

Joke Of The Day:
These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"
"I would not allow this employee to breed"
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"
"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"
"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"
"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"
"He's been working with glue too much"
"He would argue with a signpost"
"He has knack for making strangers immediately"
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"
"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"
"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"
"A prime candidate for natural deselection"
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"
"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"
"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"
"One neuron short of a synapse"
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"
"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes" "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

[Ipedog]

I love these :

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

[Agriv8r]

how about these

It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma
to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their
jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet,"which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked
with a (P); and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance

engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
;P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last ...........

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[ShaggyX]

Agriv8r...Awesome!!!

[HummBob]

Originally Posted by ShaggyX

Agriv8r...Awesome!!!

X2 - LOL

[HummBob]

Originally Posted by KenP

Joke Of The Day:
These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"
"I would not allow this employee to breed"
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"
"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"
"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"
"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"
"He's been working with glue too much"
"He would argue with a signpost"
"He has knack for making strangers immediately"
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"
"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"
"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"
"A prime candidate for natural deselection"
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"
"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"
"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"
"One neuron short of a synapse"
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"
"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes" "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

[KenP]

July 15, Sat.

Joke Of The Day:
You Need a Gimmick...

The hair-lipped toothbrush salesman comes in to his manager's office to give a report on his first week at work.
"Well, how'd you do?" asks the manager.
"Well thir, I thold two toothbrutheth." replied the salesman.
"Two!" shouts the manager. "You're never going to make a living that way."
"Well thir, I don't know what to do, people juth won't buy my toothbrutheth."
The manager thinks and says, "Sounds to me like you need a gimmick."
The salesman asks, "Whath's a geemick?"
The manager explains, "A gimmick is something you use to entice, excite and motivate your customer about your product or service. A jingle, a slogan, something to make your customer feel a need for your product or service."
The salesman goes, "Hmm, I gueth I'll have to get me a geemick." The salesman returns at the end of the next week to give his report.
The manager asks, "Well son, how'd you do this week?"
The salesman beams, "Well thir, I thold 185,353 toothbrutheth."
The manager leaps up, "My gosh, what did you do?"
The salesman grins and says, "I took your advith and got me a geemick."
The manager excited now, says, "Well out with it son. What's your gimmick? We need to pass this on to the rest of the staff. We'll make millions!" The salesman says, "Well thir, I found me a real bithy thtreet corner and I thet up a table and a chair. On the table I put out thum chipth and dip. People would come up to the corner waiting to croth the thtreet and I would thay, 'Hey, while your waiting, how about thun chipth and dip?' They would thay, 'Thure!' Then they would take a chip, get 'em thum dip and thtart to eat it. Then they would say, 'Hey thith tath like thit!' I would say, 'It ith thit. Want to buy a toothbruth?'

[MovinH2]

[KenP]

July 16:

Joke Of The Day:
Selling Life Insurance...

Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[deserth3]

Now that's funny!!!

I got a kick out of most of these. Great

S.

[Sewie]

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

LOL!!

[KenP]

July 17

Appraisal Sheet...

This form indicates employee performance in the position they currently hold.
Knowledge
[ ] The son of a bitch really knows his stuff
[ ] Knows just enough to be dangerous
[ ] Only half a brain and is dangerous
[ ] ****ing brain damaged, his coffee cup has a higher IQ
Accuracy
[ ] Does excellent work if not preoccupied with pussy
[ ] Pretty good, only occasionally blows it out his ass
[ ] Has to take off his shoes to count to ten
[ ] Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice
Attitude
[ ] Extremely cooperative if you kiss his ass frequently
[ ] Brown nose in good standing
[ ] Often pisses off co-workers, thinks it's his shop
[ ] Doesn't give a ****, never did and never will
Reliability
[ ] A really dependable little cocksucker
[ ] You can rely on him at evaluation time
[ ] Can rely on him to be the first one out the ****ing door
[ ] Totally ****ing useless/worthless
Appearance
[ ] Extremely neat, even combs his pubic hair
[ ] Looks great at evaluation time
[ ] Flies abandon fresh dog **** to follow him around
[ ] Dirty, filthy, dirty son of a bitch Performance
[ ] Works like a son of a bitch, if there's money in it for him
[ ] Does all kinds of good **** at evaluation time
[ ] Works only if kicked in the ass every 2 minutes
[ ] Couldn't do less work if he were in a ****ing coma

[Agriv8r]

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her
vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping. Out of
embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the
surgeon
agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses
carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in
the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this
all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank
you for his new ears...

[Agriv8r]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the
doctor's office and says that her body hurts
wherever she touches it.
Impossible!" says the doctor "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her
left breast and screams, then she pushes her
elbow and screams in even more agony.
She pushes her knee and screams; likewise
she pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead,
are you?
Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says.
"Your finger is broken."

now thats funny

[H2Finally]

BWAHAHA!!

[PARAGON]

Originally Posted by Agriv8r

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the
doctor's office and says that her body hurts
wherever she touches it.
Impossible!" says the doctor "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her
left breast and screams, then she pushes her
elbow and screams in even more agony.
She pushes her knee and screams; likewise
she pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead,
are you?
Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says.
"Your finger is broken."

now thats funny

I can't believe you created a joke out of CP's misery

[H2Finally]

Originally Posted by PARAGON

I can't believe you created a joke out of CP's misery

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[KenP]

Breakdown of the corporate structure...
CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD:
Leaps tall building in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Discusses policy with God
PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God
EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special request is approved
VICE PRESIDENT:
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God
GENERAL MANAGER:
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog paddles
Talks to animals
MANAGER:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can't stay afloat with a life preserver
Talks to walls
TRAINEE:
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building
Says "look at the choo-choo"
Wets him/herself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to him/herself
SECRETARY:
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth
Freezes water with a single glance Is God

[KenP]

Originally Posted by H2Finally

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

X2!!11

Paragon, you'll have to meet Agrv8r while you're here.