Joke of the day

[Agriv8r]

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her
vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping. Out of
embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the
surgeon
agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses
carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in
the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this
all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank
you for his new ears...

[Agriv8r]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the
doctor's office and says that her body hurts
wherever she touches it.
Impossible!" says the doctor "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her
left breast and screams, then she pushes her
elbow and screams in even more agony.
She pushes her knee and screams; likewise
she pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead,
are you?
Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says.
"Your finger is broken."

now thats funny

[H2Finally]

BWAHAHA!!

[PARAGON]

Originally Posted by Agriv8r

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the
doctor's office and says that her body hurts
wherever she touches it.
Impossible!" says the doctor "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her
left breast and screams, then she pushes her
elbow and screams in even more agony.
She pushes her knee and screams; likewise
she pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead,
are you?
Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says.
"Your finger is broken."

now thats funny

I can't believe you created a joke out of CP's misery

[H2Finally]

Originally Posted by PARAGON

I can't believe you created a joke out of CP's misery

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[KenP]

Breakdown of the corporate structure...
CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD:
Leaps tall building in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Discusses policy with God
PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God
EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special request is approved
VICE PRESIDENT:
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God
GENERAL MANAGER:
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog paddles
Talks to animals
MANAGER:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can't stay afloat with a life preserver
Talks to walls
TRAINEE:
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building
Says "look at the choo-choo"
Wets him/herself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to him/herself
SECRETARY:
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth
Freezes water with a single glance Is God

[evldave]

Originally Posted by KenP

Breakdown of the corporate structure...
CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD:
Leaps tall building in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Discusses policy with God
PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God
EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special request is approved
VICE PRESIDENT:
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God
GENERAL MANAGER:
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog paddles
Talks to animals
MANAGER:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can't stay afloat with a life preserver
Talks to walls
TRAINEE:
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building
Says "look at the choo-choo"
Wets him/herself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to him/herself
SECRETARY:
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth
Freezes water with a single glance Is God

I gave this one to my assistant. She thought it was so funny, thought she was gonna give me a BJ under the desk

[KenP]

Originally Posted by evldave

I gave this one to my assistant. She thought it was so funny, thought she was gonna give me a BJ under the desk

Glad I could help.... almost...

[KenP]

Originally Posted by H2Finally

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

X2!!11

Paragon, you'll have to meet Agrv8r while you're here.

[Albie]

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.




classic!!!!!!!! sounds like my programmers

[Agriv8r]

Improvements in Hell

A builder died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this builder is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got a builder? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having a builder, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

[Agriv8r]

make more sense with this part



























Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[Agriv8r]

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while
sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman
sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter
over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to
be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she
is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it
over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over
there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the
man. The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you
need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars
in the bank, and seven inches in your pants." The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note
of his own back to her, and it read: "Just so you know, I
happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850 and a
Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage, and I have over twenty-five
million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as
beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND
THE BOTTLE BACK

[The Juice]

Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:

George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years"

Herman: "Hmm. I drowned a man in his hot tub, and I'm here for 3 days"

George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you drowned a man and get 3 days???"

Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer."