Joke of the day

[Agriv8r]

(pay close
attention to details!!)

So,...

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing.
You're okay with it because you get to watch sports all night. You hear
her stumble into bed around 4am. You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo she drove last night. You are happy to see it all in one piece.

* But......... Wait a minute .............

[Agriv8r]

here it comes, dont be in a hurry it is worth the wait

[Agriv8r]

[HummBob]

Originally Posted by Agriv8r

Attachment 25214

[SnakeH2]

Originally Posted by Agriv8r

* But......... Wait a minute .............

You think..."Damn, my wife needs to loose some weight."

[Agriv8r]

thats not what I am thinking, seems like alot of strangely positioned hands here

[KenP]

Marooned...
An ambitious investment banker finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. ...at least for awhile. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom.

There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines (strategically positioned) and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... "

She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied, "--I can check my voice mail from here?"

[Agriv8r]

HIS NAME WAS ONESTONE.

This was his Indian name given to him because he had only one testicle.

After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest and there he made love to her all day, he made love to her all night, he made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant business.

Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after many years away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!



What is the moral of the story?





You'll love this!!!! ;> )














You can't kill two Birds with Onestone.

[KenP]

How's Your Job?
You could only find jokes more cheesy than these if you worked at a cheese factory...
Q. How's your job at the clock company?
A. Only time will tell.
Q. How's your job at the banana company?
A. I keep slipping up.
Q. How's your job on the new highway?
A. I'm so busy I don't know which way to turn.
Q. How's your job at the travel agency?
A. I'm going nowhere.
Q. How's your job at the swivel chair company?
A. It makes my head spin!
Q. How's your job at the lemon juice company?
A. I've had bitter jobs.
Q. How's your job at the pie company?
A. It didn't pan out.
Q. How's your job at the balloon factory?
A. We can't keep up with inflation.
Q. How's your job at the crystal ball company?
A. I'm making a fortune.
Q. How's your job at the history book company?
A. There's no future in it.
Q. How's your job at the clock company?
A. I'm having second thoughts about it.
Q. How's your job on the farm?
A. Problems keep cropping up.
Q. How's your job at the sewing shop?
A. Hanging on by a thread. Q. How's your job at the eye glasses clinic?
A. I have clear job objectives.

[HummBob]

Originally Posted by Agriv8r

HIS NAME WAS ONESTONE.

This was his Indian name given to him because he had only one testicle.

After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest and there he made love to her all day, he made love to her all night, he made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant business.

Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after many years away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!



What is the moral of the story?


You'll love this!!!! ;> )


You can't kill two Birds with Onestone.

AWWWWW

[KenP]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her
car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a
nearby town.She climbed up behind him on the horse and then rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let
out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding
hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station
attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered.
"I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and
held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."